The hardest part of being me was that I sometimes didn't know how to be me. I had struggled daily trying to figure out who I was. I did not know from one day to the next if I was even happy with myself.
I had dated this guy for months in an on again off again relationship. The kind of relationship that leaves everyone asking why. We may or may not have caused each other more anguish than intended, but I needed to know why I couldn't hold down a relationship.
I called him daily. You are probably wondering why I would call someone that I was trying to move on from. Well, let me explain.
This guy wasn't your average Joe; he was smart, charming, and made more sense than anyone I had ever met. He used logic on everything that he did. He never questioned logic, not like me anyways. I would think of a million reasons why I had to do it even if it did not make sense. He, on the other hand, would stop and take time to think about it as a whole and decide if it was worth the risk and what, if anything, that he would lose. If it didn't benefit anyone or took away from something, then he would simply say that it wasn't worth it.
This story isn't about him though, it's about me and what I did to make myself better. One day, when I made my daily call, he asked me why I always called him. I hesitated for a moment and said my goodbyes and hung up the phone.
I didn't know what to say! He had asked me the one question that I couldn't answer, not to him anyways. Maybe I was just being dumb and not using "logic" but then I realized why I had called him. It wasn't because I was a masochist and loved torturing myself, It was because every time I talked to him he would tell me something else that I was lacking as a human being.
It's kind of funny and sad at the same time. It was as though he would get so angry that he would tell me exactly what was wrong with me. One day it was that I never used logic, another day it was I didn't truly listen to him, and one time he even told me that I didn't know who I was so how could this relationship work if I didn't seem happy. Now, I know what your thinking, what's the significance of this. Well, once again, let me explain.
A person can not make themselves better if they do not even know what is wrong. This was the first step for me to become a better person. I had someone else telling me what I lacked. I would sit there with my handy notepad and jot these things down. After the phone calls I would look back on my notes and try to think about what he had said and if I was truly like this. My answer was clear; I was the cause of most of my shortcomings.
I was willing to fix everything, not because he said that they were wrong, but because I knew they were wrong and it took courage for me to admit this. I had been so blinded by the reality of things that I didn't even realize that I was not doing anything to fix myself and therefore I was not happy.
My point is, that you can not always tell what your lacking and sometimes it takes someone else's ability to see the real you. He was helpful and did not even know it. He was like my secret agent that gave me insight on myself; someone who knew for certain that I was miserable and it was no one else's fault but my own.
I had to look deeper into my mind and discover that some of those criticisms are not always going to hurt me. Some criticism are going to make me better; It really all depends on how you look at them and use them. Take it from me, go out into the world and if someone calls you something or tells you how they think you act, take a minute or two and see if they are right and if they are, figure out a way to correct the problem.
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